When I stepped outside his hospital room, I steadied myself on the wall. Taking in as much air as I could, I braced myself for the conversation I was about to have with God. My son had been sick for days, and leaving the hospital seemed out of reach. We had been in and out of tests, visits from infectious disease doctors, and had been dealing with every unimaginable horrific possibility. With his rising fever, and the buzz of nurses and residents seemingly alarmed, I went to the head physician myself. With as much courage and faith as I could find, I bowed my head. “If you take him home with you tonight, Lord, I will not turn my heart from you. If you need him, I will not turn away from you.”
I wept. I waited.
I have written a few times about my son’s stay in a major medical facility this last November. My seven year old son had contracted a normal case of the flu that progressed and ultimately threatened his life. Our journey in those thirteen days was a difficult one that strengthened our family and brought us closer to the Lord. Praise Jesus.
I do not know, nor would I ever pretend to know, how a mother feels when her child passes from this life. I have seen it first hand from those I love, and from a distance, it is heart breaking to say the very least. I have tremendous respect for the mother who moves forward while part of her is gone whether she wants to or not. Please be clear, I do not think my submission to the Lord, saved the life of my son. How arrogant to think those who lose their children could have saved their babies by using the right prayer. Only God knows the answers to those questions. What I do know is how my heart changed that night.
When I woke the next day, I felt more clarity than I had ever felt in my life. From that day forward, I was bound to the One who ransomed me in a way that I had never been bound before. The depth of our relationship had changed. My submission was paramount to our thriving relationship, and I was forever different. Jesus said, “Anyone who loves their father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves their son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. Whoever does not take up their cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it,” (Matthew 10:37-39). I had to forfeit my grasp on everything I have in this world to receive all that Jesus has for me. Christ wants all of me.
My son’s fever declined with the help of the physicians and the Center for Disease Control. A “superhero” antibiotic was ordered and within hours he was a different boy. In two days, we were homeward bound. We all left that hospital different than we entered it. My heart was fully submitted to Jesus. Our family was more deeply connected to each other and fully dedicated to the Lord.
I cannot speculate on how we would have left the hospital without our boy. I thank God for my son’s life every day. I can tell you leaving the hospital without Jesus was never an option.
“Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.” Proverbs 31:30